Monthly Archives: January 2013

Mission possible?

I have moved my tales of woe and torture regarding my The Whole 30 experience over to its own, brand new, tales of woe and torture blog.

The Reluctant Caveman

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And, yes, I can eat that whole egg!

Come and visit me from time to time, just to make sure I’m still alive and haven’t wasted away.

I’m not moving from here, however, just separating the food stuff from the other stuff in my life. Because, the food stuff part is about to get a bit rough, let me tell you, as I navigate through the does and don’t of how to survive while EATING NOTHING!!!

O.K. not strictly true.

ALMOST NOTHING!!!

Told you it was getting rough.

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My cuppeth is emptyeth.

sad-face-1And yes, K, this is exactly how I feel.

So, in a nutshell,

I’m going to this wedding and it’s in Spain, and I just can’t get my head around what I’m going to wear because I still haven’t lost the weight I would like to lose, and so I don’t want to go, but, it’s my brother in law’s wedding and I like him, and I like her, and they’ve asked us to be witnesses, which is an honour, but I’d rather be dead than wear anything other than my jeans and black t shirt which have been a staple for years now and I don’t think I’ll be able to get away with that in Spain and at a wedding … (breathe).

And, when I say staple, I mean staple. I don’t think I’ve even seen my legs.

(O.K. I have).

Now, this is a problem for me. A BIG problem. I mean, would you go to your child’s wedding in jeans and a black t shirt? No. Which means I can’t either. I’ve told all three of them that they would be happier, believe me, to just run away somewhere, get married, then come back and tell me.

But, I don’t think that’s going to fly.

And now there’s this wedding – in Spain.

Now, I’m not that heavy, really I’m not, and I’m not that vain. But, it’s a kind of body dysmorphia thing. You know the one where everyone else looks great except you. In fact, you think you look hideous, and not just in a, what was she thinking, kind of way, but more in the Hunchback of Notre Dame way. Sorry Hunchback.

And, when I remember to think about this, I’m miserable.

I can get by with it most of the time as I don’t have to go out. I can go to my studio and ignore myself. But, I feel really uncomfortable doing most other things – especially weddings. Why do people have to do that? It just messes me up completely.

So K, who studies health and nutrition, said she could help me. I thought that by losing a few pounds it would help me to start getting over this whole what the #*^^’s wrong with you problem, and, when she offered her help, I thought, how hard can it be …

As a nutritionist, I imagined she would say, O.K. eat a bit more of this, a little less of this – I was even ready to go to, a lot less than this, but I should have known.

Now I’m on the Whole 30.

No. Don’t talk to me about it. I’m not listening. It’s already annoying me.

You see, it’s the tea.

No milk.

And, there you have it. My only comfort in life, gone. Snuffed out with two simple words – no dairy.

Here is my lovely new cup.

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Empty.

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Magpie Pottery

It’s the end of the world as I know it.

And K, don’t you mention the C word again..

:(

NOTES:

First day: Thick head. Depression (probably because I feel sorry for myself and don’t like being told what to do). And, this morning –  the second day – aches and pains down the outsides of both legs, and, if I might say, buttocks.

If I die on this K, you’ll be hearing from me …


Now, where were we?

Oh yes,

Things to think about on Saturdays.

But first, I’d like to tell you that my knees ache. Thought I’d better get that out of the way.

On Saturdays you wake up tired because the night before two men knocked on the door and, very pushily, got you to buy three books for the children’s hospital for $252!

Three.

Sparkle World.

Strawberry Shortcake.

And

Turtle – which was the cheapest at only $70.

Yes, I know. Just don’t open the door. But you see N did it. She was walking by the door when they knocked and felt she had to open it as they’d seen her. I said, why didn’t you pretend you’re deaf. She said, it just all happened so fast.

So, there you go, not my fault.

I really do try. I practiced saying no all the way to the door, but, P is away in Lubbock, cleaning carpets that have been thrown up on by previous tenants and trying to fix the whole, son, when you just happen to leave your sofa outside in the student apartment hallway someone will more than likely run off with it, problem – and it was late, and dark, and I was nervous.

Why go for the $252 prize you might ask, and not the cheapest package they could offer? Perhaps you could have just gone for the $70 magazine subscription that you can be sure never to receive?

Well, ask me again because I have no idea.

I think the logical side of my brain ran down my spineless back just as I stepped outside, and didn’t come back again until the whole, disturbing experience was over.

That’s when I phoned the bank, cancelled the check and took a xanax, all while trying to keep up with what the #&*@** Nicki Minaj was wearing on American Idol.

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Maybe no one will bother to ask me for money if I dressed up like this.

That’s coz they’d have to pay me …


Ducks, Gnomes, and Buttermilk the Goat.

Going to spend the day with P. He arrived safely from London yesterday despite more than two hundred flight cancellations at Heathrow.

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These guys don’t look too worried about missing their flight though. Except perhaps the little one.

He was looking forward to his week away in southern Spain.

Probably been saving up all year.

BTW, who’s taking care of that duck?

Talking of ducks.

Happy Martin Luther King Day.


It’s all about me.

FREEDOM!!!!

Yesterday was my first day back in the studio.

MIL flew back to England on Friday and so it was all systems go on Saturday.

Well, that’s a small fib really as I didn’t get out of bed until 11, then we sat around watching West Ham take a thrashing from Sunderland until P left for London at 1. (I don’t know why he tortures himself this way.) Of course then we needed lunch, but, by 3 p.m. it was all systems go.

That’s when I kicked myself that I didn’t get going earlier.

In the pottery room I poured water onto the dried out clay. Did I mention I’ve been hearing the pottery call for a while now? And looked around at the green-ware already made.

At the jewelry bench I took my time. I touched all my tools, bounced in the chair a few times, just to remind it who’s in charge, and then I organized all my bits and pieces into some kind of order.

 Then, just as I sat down to begin a jewelry order, I looked over at the painting corner and got a bit excited at the prospect of getting out my new Christmas paint brushes and what I could do with the new canvasses P bought me, while thinking about my half sewn quilt abandoned due to holiday visitors that only just went home …

I haven’t even told you about the doll’s house.

Good grief. I think I’ve just thought myself to a grinding stop.

I need to stop worrying that I wont be able to fit in all the things I want to do, and just do them.

Man, that Nike girl had the right attitude didn’t she?

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The only way to victory is to just do it.

Oh, and get yourself a pair of wings.

Being sick and also trapped in the MIL corner was a bit of a bummer in the whole boredom area. It meant a lot of internet browsing and spontaneous, poor me, purchases. Don’t tell P. Hopefully they’ll all arrive before he gets back.

To be honest, he just rolls his eyes. As though there’s no hope for me, or him come to that. But, I know that these beautiful things were made just for me. They were just waiting for me to find them.

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Craig Martell

I mean, look at it. Don’t you think that was made for me?

I also had to get some more stones.

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Because everyone needs one of these, right?

Or four in my case.

And, now it’s time to get back to finishing a bracelet and, hopefully, start on a pair of interestingly different earrings.

To all of you reading this. Don’t worry about me … I’m perfectly sane really, I just have a bit of a, I’ve got to do everything because it’s too exciting not to, but how the hell am I going to fit it all in, problem.

Happy Sunday Y’all.

(And now I’m a Texan! Will the madness never end … )


While I’ve been sick.

I found my old boring wedding album and thought I might jazz it up a bit. I’ve never liked it.

It started when B was looking at it and cropped two of the photo’s together and changed them to black and white.

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Then I played with it in Pixlr.

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Man look how young we were.

I think it’s absolutely amazing what you can do with all this stuff now.

I think I might just have to make me a whole new album.


I’m still sick.

So I sent you all something to cheer you up – just in case you’re feeling sick too.

Try not to laugh though as it may hurt your throat.

I did warn you.


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